How to find yourself again after a breakup (or while in a relationship!)
It can be really hard not to lose yourself in a relationship. We're building this deep relationship with someone over a long period of time and when that relationship comes to an end it's hard not to feel like a piece of you went with that other person. We're spending all of our time with someone or focused on their happiness and prioritizing their happiness, and that can be a wonderful thing, but it can also mean deprioritizing ourselves.
And that’s exactly what I talked about in the 3rd episode of small steps to self-love! Here’s a recap for you on how you can find yourself again when a relationship comes to an end.
The episode
Sometimes we lose a little bit of our independence and focus on ourselves, and I absolutely believe that there can be a healthy balance. In any healthy relationship there is a balance of prioritizing and supporting each other and growing together. There has to be a give and take. There has to be support in each other’s passions and dreams outside of your relationship.
One thing that I really want to stress is that it's okay to enjoy being in relationships and it's okay to enjoy being alone. Neither are bad things and you can absolutely be alone and have alone time and have your personal space and your personal passions while in a relationship. It's when we forget to prioritize ourselves and the things we love that it becomes a problem. I enjoy being in relationships when they are fulfilling and supportive and there's nothing wrong with that as long as you're staying true to who you are and not giving up your passions or what you love for somebody else. It should be a balance supporting them and supporting yourself.
I asked my Instagram followers a couple questions about this topic. The first question that I asked was just a yes or no… have you ever felt like you've lost yourself in a relationship? 85% of people said yes and 15% of people said no. I found that really interesting. It's comforting to know, while it's not great that so many of us feel like we have lost ourselves, that you are not alone if you have felt that way. If you have felt like you've lost yourself, it is okay, there are ways to help that I’m going to cover in this blog post (and podcast episode!) but you're certainly not alone if you felt that way in the past.
But then, I was really excited because I asked, do you enjoy spending time with yourself? And 86% of people said yes while only 14% of people said no! I feel like if you would have asked me this a few years ago maybe five or six years ago I would have said no. I would have told you “yes I'm an introvert but that doesn't necessarily mean that I enjoy being alone”. I would find a lot of distractions being alone and you know, my alone time was like watching a show, watching youtube, reading, which is all great and there's nothing wrong with any of that, but it wasn't often that I would actually sit with myself and enjoy time with myself without distraction.
I also asked, what is a way that you've tried to find yourself again after a relationship ends? A lot of people listed hobbies that they enjoy doing which I love because like I mentioned before, I feel like you don't have to share every hobby with someone else. A couple people said they're still searching for the way. The number one thing I hope you take away from this episode is inspiration to reconnect with yourself, finding what you enjoy doing if you feel like you lost yourself.
Someone else said I have tried to work on my passions and that's how I found myself again and fell in love with my own existence. What are some things that you've forgotten about that really could help you reconnect with yourself? What are some things that you haven't tried before that could help you connect with yourself?
SMALL STEP # 3
Your small step for this week is to go on a date with yourself and spend some time doing something that you love to do. Maybe it's something that you haven't done in a while. Remember what you love, why you love it, and go out and do it on your own. Remind yourself that it is not a bad thing to be alone, that being alone doesn't have to mean that you're lonely. And preferably the activity that you choose should be able to help you think without distraction, without your phone, without TV, without a movie, whatever it might be. So whether you sit at your favorite cafe with a journal and a cup of tea or you go for a walk or you walk around or go to the gym for an hour or two by yourself, enjoy that time with yourself.
And while you're out doing your thing, think about how it feels. It might feel really awkward, it might feel like you want to avoid the silence with yourself and find a distraction, but for at least some of the time just sit with yourself with no technology. Be mindful of your surroundings, of how you're feeling, and enjoy the company that you alone can provide yourself. If it's helpful to journal so you can talk without actually talking, that's fine, reflect on how this experience feels to be alone. It might feel uncomfortable or awkward the first time and that's okay.
Where to listen
Listen to the full podcast episode to hear everything that was discussed, and hear me read a poem from my bestselling book, changing with the tides!
Tune into my podcast by visiting the links below, or stream on your favorite podcast sites like Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more.